Decompensation

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Important Note: This was first written in March 2020. Read the rest in that context:

I am fine. I'm coping and I have two wonderful partners here who support me. I am getting things done, I am not causing or risking harm to myself or anyone else. Nothing serious is wrong, outside of the world falling apart.

I have really good coping strategies. They work as long as I'm not under extreme stress and I'm able to use them. When they break down, I notice quickly. Not too long after, the people around me start to notice. Right now, I'm struggling because of general stress and anxiety about the world and people I care about, because my rituals are severely disrupted (I can't go to the gym, I'm not at the office), because I'm getting very little completely focused alone time, and because I don't have access to any social outlets that charge my extrovert battery.

Some of my coping strategies I can still use: ones that are completely internal, and ones that I can use biking as the stimulus for, but it's definitely not enough.

When I start decompensating, the first thing that I notice is that I completely lose my ability to focus around any distractions. This is something I'm bad at during the best of times, and it's the first thing that goes. Next, the extremely tight hold that I keep on my temper starts to loosen. I snap at people for completely normal behavior, I get upset at distractions or mildly unpleasant sensory stimuli. I'm pretty good at still keeping this mild and I will apologize for it after, but it will happen. Then I lose the ability to modulate focus. It's very hard for me to direct my focus to specific things and it tends to be all or nothing: either hyperfocus or no focus at all. At this point, I start to get easily irritated by anything that breaks my focus, because if I can't keep it, I have no focus left. Also, I start to feel like I have less distance and filter between my emotions and my actions. I can be hyperreactive to things, and keeping that separation between emotion and action is important for me trusting my decisions.

I am alright: I am still getting work done, although less than I would like. I'm being less good than I would like to my partners here, but I'm not hurting them, even emotionally. I'm just still trying to figure out how to find a compensation balance that lets me get through an extended period of this. 

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