Brain Bubble

I'm pretty good at distracting myself from things that hurt, whether that is physical or emotional. My distractability is a little bit of a super power in this area, and I've written about that before. Using that superpower, however, has a cost. The cost is that intentionally invoking that distractability puts a major hit on my executive function. I have much less ability to control what my brain will go to instead. Which is really annoying when there is so much work that needs to get done. Sometimes work is the perfect distraction, but when it's not, there just really isn't anything I can do about it. 

Sometimes you finally accomplish some terrible impossible task that you've been putting off for so many months that it is painful and embarrassing. It takes (of course) 10-15 minutes and is ridiculously simple. At the end of it, you are torn between being proud of yourself for finally having DONE THE THING and furious at yourself for putting this trivial thing off for many months.

Note: This was first written in August of 2020. Probably the hardest thing about the pandemic for my mental health has been being unable to sort rational from irrational fears. Most of my serious fears revolve around health issues. Some of them are my own, some of them are for others. One of my biggest nightmares is learning that someone I love died months ago and that I never heard.  When I was a kid, I had some really awful periods where I would have paralyzing fear around health stuff that was obviously irrational: I'd be afraid of ebola when it hadn't gotten anywhere near the country, or afraid I would get hypothermia from walking home in the rain. I put a lot of work into addressing these fears. For most of my life, I've been very good at assessing my fears around health, and setting aside the irrational ones. I'm not completely immune to them, but I can put them off to the side and forget about them and be fine. Where I have always still struggled is when I have a...

Note: This was first written in April 2020. Right now, like everyone else, I'm in a state of having less resources to activate my coping mechanisms and more stress to deal with. Under normal circumstances, I can get refreshes from seeing people, going clubbing, etc. Right now I don't have those options, and there's a lot more environmental stress load. This means that, realistically, I just have to make do with less. I get less done, I have less control over what my brain is willing to do. I can't change either of those facts. They are just facts that I have to live with for the indefinite future. So, how do I cope with that and still make sure that I meet the actual requirements of what really needs to get done? Mostly, a lot of acceptance and self-forgiveness, combined with some asking for help, and some being very careful about how I use the coping strategies I have left. Right now, I'm paying very close attention to impossible tasks. The longer they loom, or the...

Important Note: This was first written in March 2020. Read the rest in that context: I am fine. I'm coping and I have two wonderful partners here who support me. I am getting things done, I am not causing or risking harm to myself or anyone else. Nothing serious is wrong, outside of the world falling apart. I have really good coping strategies. They work as long as I'm not under extreme stress and I'm able to use them. When they break down, I notice quickly. Not too long after, the people around me start to notice. Right now, I'm struggling because of general stress and anxiety about the world and people I care about, because my rituals are severely disrupted (I can't go to the gym, I'm not at the office), because I'm getting very little completely focused alone time, and because I don't have access to any social outlets that charge my extrovert battery. Some of my coping strategies I can still use: ones that are completely internal, and ones that I can ...

I was realizing that despite being honest about my issues and struggles, this filter has been overwhelmingly positive. I've focused on coping strategies, superpowers and quirks, not on when things really go wrong. Today I want to talk about the bad days. Some days, I've done everything right. I haven't been overtaxed recently. I got sleep. I've already gotten at least an hour of exercise. I have plenty of different productive tasks that I could do.  And I've tried six of them already, and nothing is working. I've tried getting up and moving. I've taken controlled breaks and returned to things. I've switched tasks. Nothing helps. There's no good reason. My brain just won't do it.  If I'm lucky, I catch it relatively early. Then, sometimes, I can give up for a while: go to the gym, play a computer game, maybe see a friend. If it works, after a few hours doing something else, I might be able to find something productive I can do. If I'm not ...