Brain Bubble

Note: This was written in February, 2021. As I've alluded to before, I'm a bit of a gym rat. I like being strong, and exercise is one of the best things for calming my brain down. But also, it's my favorite drug. Being a responsible person who lives with a vulnerable spouse, I haven't been to a gym since the start of the pandemic. Early on, I got myself a set of dumbbells, and I've been making do. It's fine for keeping up on some things. It's fine for working certain sets of muscles. But they just aren't heavy enough for the large muscle groups, and with dumbbells a lot more things are limited by my hands before it really gets to the muscles I want to work. Recently I got myself a squat rack and bench, and then a bar and weights (yes, separated in time. There are reasons.) It's been a few weeks, and I've been working myself back up slowly, because it had been a long time, and I was trying to be responsible. I'm finally back to the point where...

Note: This was first written in August of 2020. Probably the hardest thing about the pandemic for my mental health has been being unable to sort rational from irrational fears. Most of my serious fears revolve around health issues. Some of them are my own, some of them are for others. One of my biggest nightmares is learning that someone I love died months ago and that I never heard.  When I was a kid, I had some really awful periods where I would have paralyzing fear around health stuff that was obviously irrational: I'd be afraid of ebola when it hadn't gotten anywhere near the country, or afraid I would get hypothermia from walking home in the rain. I put a lot of work into addressing these fears. For most of my life, I've been very good at assessing my fears around health, and setting aside the irrational ones. I'm not completely immune to them, but I can put them off to the side and forget about them and be fine. Where I have always still struggled is when I have a...

Note: This was first written in April 2020. Right now, like everyone else, I'm in a state of having less resources to activate my coping mechanisms and more stress to deal with. Under normal circumstances, I can get refreshes from seeing people, going clubbing, etc. Right now I don't have those options, and there's a lot more environmental stress load. This means that, realistically, I just have to make do with less. I get less done, I have less control over what my brain is willing to do. I can't change either of those facts. They are just facts that I have to live with for the indefinite future. So, how do I cope with that and still make sure that I meet the actual requirements of what really needs to get done? Mostly, a lot of acceptance and self-forgiveness, combined with some asking for help, and some being very careful about how I use the coping strategies I have left. Right now, I'm paying very close attention to impossible tasks. The longer they loom, or the...

Important Note: This was first written in March 2020. Read the rest in that context: I am fine. I'm coping and I have two wonderful partners here who support me. I am getting things done, I am not causing or risking harm to myself or anyone else. Nothing serious is wrong, outside of the world falling apart. I have really good coping strategies. They work as long as I'm not under extreme stress and I'm able to use them. When they break down, I notice quickly. Not too long after, the people around me start to notice. Right now, I'm struggling because of general stress and anxiety about the world and people I care about, because my rituals are severely disrupted (I can't go to the gym, I'm not at the office), because I'm getting very little completely focused alone time, and because I don't have access to any social outlets that charge my extrovert battery. Some of my coping strategies I can still use: ones that are completely internal, and ones that I can ...